Episode I, Scene Six: Carpe Pixar

Episode One, Scene Six: Carpe Pixar

Setting: Pixar Studios, Emeryville, California on the set of Cars 2.
Obama Caddy Limo motorcade parked outside the Pixar studios.

Arnold: Here we are, Mr. President, Pixar studios.

Caption: Brad Lewis, Director of Cars 2.
Lewis: Wow, what an honor to be visited by the president. Due to our tight production schedule, we're a closed studio so I apologize if I'm not accustomed to providing tours.

(Background, Pixar desk lamp is sitting in the director's chair with a megaphone.)

Emperor: Actually, Mr. Lewis, no need for a dog and pony show, we know you're busy and we're here to make you even busier, so let's cut to the chase.

Lewis: What can I do for you?

Emperor: First off, The White House and Ad Council are asking for your patriotic donation of producing a 30 second PSA for the "Cash for Clunkers" and we need it ASAP.

Lewis: Ok, what are you looking for Lightning McQueen trades in his clunker buddy Mater for a new model?

Emperor: Actually, the Emanuel brothers, Rahm and Ari, put their heads together with my Car Czar and they have the script already written for you.

(Hands the script to Lewis)

Lewis: What?...Okay, where are the cameras? Am I being punked by Ashton? You can't be serious. Lightning McQueen traded in for the Barry Hammer, a Yellow GM Electric Car and Sally Carrera traded in for the Shelley Sickle, a Black biodiesel modified GAZ-12 ZIM 1955 Soviet Retro car? Pretty funny guys, you had me going there for a minute.

Emperor (tapping foot and staring with arms crossed and secret service in black suits and black glasses surrounding in same pose).
(Again in backgroud, the Secret Service have the Pixar desk lamp under an overhead hanging lamp, and beads of sweat roll down the Pixar desk lamp)

Lewis: You're not kidding.

Emperor: Actually, I'm not. As I understand it, the original Cars script was called The Yellow Car, about an electric car living in a gas-guzzling world. In fact, I think its an idea bigger than a 30 second Public Service Announcement. I understand the sequel will be a globe-trotting affair which is a perfect fit for me, as an international celebrity.

Lewis: But the Cash for Clunkers law mandates that the trade-ins must be shredded or crushed to get the clunkers off the road. Disney can't shred their licensed image for a PSA or abandon the brand recognition for the sequel.

Emperor: Gimme that press release "All the world's a racetrack as racing superstar Lightning McQueen zooms back into action, with his best friend Mater in tow, to take on the globe's fastest and finest in this thrilling high-octane new installment of the "Cars" saga. Mater and McQueen will need their passports as they find themselves in a new world of intrigue, thrills and fast-paced comedic escapades around the globe."

Sounds more like the plot synopsis for Burt Reynold's in Cannonball Run IV. Here we go again, racing around the world for the good ole USA to beat everyone else in the world. A metaphor for the futility of the arms race and a world with hot-spots and World Wars. C'mon Brad, Disney doesn't want that. You're teaching America to chase after the usual brass rings, being on this 'who's who' list or that top 100 list, how much money you make and how big your corner office is; whether you have a fancy enough title or a nice enough car. Let me suggest that such an approach won't get you where you want to go. It displays a poverty of ambition, that in fact, the elevation of appearance over substance, celebrity over character, short-term gain over lasting achievement is precisely what the next generation needs to help end.

Lewis: So do as you say, not as you do?

Emperor: You just worry about the "do as I say" part.

Lewis: But how will the President and the First Lady be able to fit film production into their busy schedules?

Emperor: It's just voice-acting. It's perfect for me, all I have to do is read a teleprompter. That's right in my wheel-house.

Lewis: So you're completely serious about this? The Narcissist in Chief wants to be the star of a movie.

Emperor: Now, you're catching on. I've got some other ideas for you. Somehow this noble idea of the Yellow Electric Car was lost and repackaged to appeal to fly-over country - bitter - gun-clinging - religious - racist - frustrated- red-staters who will flock to any movie related to NASCAR. Disney needs to take a more progressive perspective for the sequel if they want to reach an even larger global audience. We need a whole new supporting cast, not that Radiator Springs, Route 66 crowd. We're still working on the other characters, but instead of Mater, we're thinking a either an Amish Buggy or a Moped. With the loss of Paul Newman, I'd like to appoint a wise Latina car to replace Doc Hudson on the bench. We'll talk about the soundtrack later, but we can't afford any production delays, in fact we may need to fast-track it to move it up. We can release some stimulus funding to make it happen.

Lewis; You'll have to excuse me, I have to make some calls, my head is spinning. I don't know how we can possibly do this.

Emperor: I'm going to put you on notice, this is going to happen. With my star-power, this will be the highest grossing movie of all-time! It'll make Al's power-point about the weather look like "Plan Nine From Outer Space". Get on board, Brad. Don't bet against us!