Episode I, Scene 7: Adviczar

The Czar Wars, Episode I, Scene 7: Adviczar

Setting: The Oval Office

(Emperor holding newspaper with headline: "Russians Enraged: Biden strikes Moscow nerves.
Emperor: When I left Moscow, the Bear was dancing...Now Little Joe has the Bear growling!

Axelrod: (Smacks his own forehad in disgust) D'oh!

Emperor: He was your VP recommendation for his "Foriegn Policy" expertise! Another fine gaffe he's gotten me into, starting today, you are the new "Biden Damage Control Czar", David.

Axelrod: I don't think the American taxpayer can afford my hourly rate for that job.

Episode I, Scene Six: Carpe Pixar

Episode One, Scene Six: Carpe Pixar

Setting: Pixar Studios, Emeryville, California on the set of Cars 2.
Obama Caddy Limo motorcade parked outside the Pixar studios.

Arnold: Here we are, Mr. President, Pixar studios.

Caption: Brad Lewis, Director of Cars 2.
Lewis: Wow, what an honor to be visited by the president. Due to our tight production schedule, we're a closed studio so I apologize if I'm not accustomed to providing tours.

(Background, Pixar desk lamp is sitting in the director's chair with a megaphone.)

Emperor: Actually, Mr. Lewis, no need for a dog and pony show, we know you're busy and we're here to make you even busier, so let's cut to the chase.

Lewis: What can I do for you?

Emperor: First off, The White House and Ad Council are asking for your patriotic donation of producing a 30 second PSA for the "Cash for Clunkers" and we need it ASAP.

Lewis: Ok, what are you looking for Lightning McQueen trades in his clunker buddy Mater for a new model?

Emperor: Actually, the Emanuel brothers, Rahm and Ari, put their heads together with my Car Czar and they have the script already written for you.

(Hands the script to Lewis)

Lewis: What?...Okay, where are the cameras? Am I being punked by Ashton? You can't be serious. Lightning McQueen traded in for the Barry Hammer, a Yellow GM Electric Car and Sally Carrera traded in for the Shelley Sickle, a Black biodiesel modified GAZ-12 ZIM 1955 Soviet Retro car? Pretty funny guys, you had me going there for a minute.

Emperor (tapping foot and staring with arms crossed and secret service in black suits and black glasses surrounding in same pose).
(Again in backgroud, the Secret Service have the Pixar desk lamp under an overhead hanging lamp, and beads of sweat roll down the Pixar desk lamp)

Lewis: You're not kidding.

Emperor: Actually, I'm not. As I understand it, the original Cars script was called The Yellow Car, about an electric car living in a gas-guzzling world. In fact, I think its an idea bigger than a 30 second Public Service Announcement. I understand the sequel will be a globe-trotting affair which is a perfect fit for me, as an international celebrity.

Lewis: But the Cash for Clunkers law mandates that the trade-ins must be shredded or crushed to get the clunkers off the road. Disney can't shred their licensed image for a PSA or abandon the brand recognition for the sequel.

Emperor: Gimme that press release "All the world's a racetrack as racing superstar Lightning McQueen zooms back into action, with his best friend Mater in tow, to take on the globe's fastest and finest in this thrilling high-octane new installment of the "Cars" saga. Mater and McQueen will need their passports as they find themselves in a new world of intrigue, thrills and fast-paced comedic escapades around the globe."

Sounds more like the plot synopsis for Burt Reynold's in Cannonball Run IV. Here we go again, racing around the world for the good ole USA to beat everyone else in the world. A metaphor for the futility of the arms race and a world with hot-spots and World Wars. C'mon Brad, Disney doesn't want that. You're teaching America to chase after the usual brass rings, being on this 'who's who' list or that top 100 list, how much money you make and how big your corner office is; whether you have a fancy enough title or a nice enough car. Let me suggest that such an approach won't get you where you want to go. It displays a poverty of ambition, that in fact, the elevation of appearance over substance, celebrity over character, short-term gain over lasting achievement is precisely what the next generation needs to help end.

Lewis: So do as you say, not as you do?

Emperor: You just worry about the "do as I say" part.

Lewis: But how will the President and the First Lady be able to fit film production into their busy schedules?

Emperor: It's just voice-acting. It's perfect for me, all I have to do is read a teleprompter. That's right in my wheel-house.

Lewis: So you're completely serious about this? The Narcissist in Chief wants to be the star of a movie.

Emperor: Now, you're catching on. I've got some other ideas for you. Somehow this noble idea of the Yellow Electric Car was lost and repackaged to appeal to fly-over country - bitter - gun-clinging - religious - racist - frustrated- red-staters who will flock to any movie related to NASCAR. Disney needs to take a more progressive perspective for the sequel if they want to reach an even larger global audience. We need a whole new supporting cast, not that Radiator Springs, Route 66 crowd. We're still working on the other characters, but instead of Mater, we're thinking a either an Amish Buggy or a Moped. With the loss of Paul Newman, I'd like to appoint a wise Latina car to replace Doc Hudson on the bench. We'll talk about the soundtrack later, but we can't afford any production delays, in fact we may need to fast-track it to move it up. We can release some stimulus funding to make it happen.

Lewis; You'll have to excuse me, I have to make some calls, my head is spinning. I don't know how we can possibly do this.

Emperor: I'm going to put you on notice, this is going to happen. With my star-power, this will be the highest grossing movie of all-time! It'll make Al's power-point about the weather look like "Plan Nine From Outer Space". Get on board, Brad. Don't bet against us!

Episode I, Scene Five: Govenator's Quid Pro Quo

Episode One, Scene 5: The Oval Office

Arnold: Mr. President, if I'm going to help you seize a current Hollywood CGI Animation film in progress, I'd like to see if you could help with some jobs here in the White House for some out-of-work CGI actors.

Emperor: It's an unusual request but I may have opportunities for them to serve. Who do you have?

Arnold: I actually brought them along, come on in boys. Mr. President may I present, C3PO, Watto, Jabba and Jar Jar Binks.

Emperor: No R2 unit?

Arnold: No, sir. R2D2 has no trouble finding work in Hollywood.

Emperor: Ok, what do you think, Henry?

Caption: Henry Louis Gates Jr., Racism Czar.
Gates: I think C3PO is an offensive caricature of gays. I think think Watto is a racist, offensive caricature of Jews. I think Jabba is an offensive and insensitive caricature of obesity, corruption and the criminal mob. I think Jar Jar Binks is a racist, offensive, laid-back, clownish caricature of Caribbean blacks.

Arnold: I think I'm an offensive caricature of an Austrian body-builder turned Hollywood actor turned politician. I think you're an offensive caricature of an entitled, race-baiting, ivory-tower, tenured victicrat leftist, but we all need a job.

Emperor: He's right, you know? Besides, Henry, you shouldn't be the only new czar this week. C3PO with his vast knowledge of cultures will be my new Political Correctness Czar.

C3PO: (bowing) Thank you, sir. I would be honored to serve.

Emperor: I'm somewhat hesitant to bring on Watto, as I don't know if the White House is big enough for both Watto and Rahmbo, but I think he'd make a good addition as a negotiator in future bankruptcy proceedings. Watto will be my new White House Counsel Czar.

Watto: I am honored, Mr. President.

Emperor: Jabba the Hutt, you're going to have to work remote until we get some of the new sub-basements built below the White House, but you'll make a fine Teamsters Czar.

Jabba: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah.

Emperor: Jar Jar, I know you have some experience as an ambassador, but I see you as playing an administrative role for me, even I have actually lost count of how many czars we have now. It will be up to you to prevent Czar Wars. Jar Jar you will be my Czar Czar.

Binks: Jar Jar your Czar Czar? Okie-Dokie.

Episode I, Scene Four: Coveting Oscar

Episode One, Scene Four: Coveting Oscar
Setting: The Oval Office

Emperor: Governor, Welcome to the White House.

Caption: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California.

Arnold: Thank You, Mr. President. I appreciate your willingness to meet with me, the People of California…

Caption: Michael Moore, Propaganda Film Czar.
Moore: Yeah, Great, Arnie. Just have a seat and let’s get down to business.

Arnold: Excuse me? Michael Moore? What are you doing here?

Emperor: Governor, Let’s talk executive to executive. We’re both international celebrities and you’re probably asking yourself, “What do I have to offer to a man who seemingly has it all?”

Arnold: Uh, well, no, I was actually going to beat the “too big to fail” drum, we’re the world’s eighth largest economy, Mr. President.

Emperor: That argument doesn’t work for me. That kind of concentration of wealth and resources, begs for seizure and redistribution…

Arnold: But Mr. President…

Emperor: …but since you’re a member of the Royal Family, at least by marriage, I’m going to let you do me a favor in exchange for a little Golden State stimulus.

Arnold: It would be my pleasure, how can I be of service?

Emperor: Well, you know my good friend, Al Gore. He’s always rubbing my nose in his Nobel Prize and his Academy Award.

Arnold: Mr. President, I’m Austrian and I’m afraid I don’t carry much wait in Stockholm.

Emperor: No you dunderhead, I don’t need help with the Peace Prize. My international apology tour and “Citizen of the World” shtick has that puppy pretty much in the bag. Just a matter of time. It’s the Oscar that I covet. I need an angle, Arnold.

Arnold: Well, as a sitting president, I don’t see how you could have time to star in a live action film. Ah, you could appear via Computer Generated Imagery animation like I did this summer in Terminator: Salvation. I don’t see how that’s going to get you an Oscar, though.

Michael Moore: Arnold, don’t worry your little head about awards, we’re not looking for help with acting tips. The closest you’ve come to Oscar was opening Planet Hollywood with Stallone, but you are on the right track with CGI. The Academy will heap adulation on the Emperor, we just need a vehicle to get him nominated.

Emperor: This isn't just about me, Michael. You know how Michelle loves music. We’d like a film with a soundtrack that gives Michelle an opportunity to win a Grammy.

Arnold: I’ve got an idea, how about a CGI animated remake of “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”? Mr. President you could star in the lead role as a composite character of both Costner’s Christian Robin of Locksley and Morgan Freeman’s Islamic Azeem. Along with Maid Pelosi, Friar Reid and Little Joe, you could do class warfare with the rich and an animated Dick Cheney as Sheriff of Nottingham.

Emperor: That concept appeals to me, but there is too much delay in getting a screenplay written, finding a producer, director, etc. We need a project that is “Shovel- Ready” or one already in flight.

Arnold: You mean you want to seize a film currently in production?

Emperor and Michael Moore: Yes!

Arnold: Hmm, a current vehicle… I’m going to need some favors but I think I can make this happen for you.

Episode I, Scene Three: Enter the GREEN ELITE

Episode 1 Scene Three: Enter the GREEN ELITE

Scene: Cabinet table, Emperor is standing, others are seated.

“E-Czars, Harry, Nancy, hit the lights, we’re dialing in.”

(Room is black except an overhead hologram-type projector shining down in a circle on the center of the cabinet table, silouettes around the table, glow only on Emperor’s face.)

Automated voice…
“Welcome to the United Nations Conference Call-In System, please enter your secure passcode followed by the pound sign.”

(UN logo appears as a projected hologram floating above the center of the table)

“Beep-beep, beep-beep-beep-beep”

“Your passcode has been accepted…”

(UNEP logo replaces the UN logo as a projected hologram floating above the center of the table)

“You are joining a confidential meeting of the United Nations Enivironment Programme, please wait while others join…”

Caption: Maurice Strong, Retired U.N. Official and Environmental Extremist.
Welcome, I am Maurice Strong, the first Executive Director of the UNEP, and I welcome you, my friends, to a historic meeting of the G.R.E.E.N. E.L.I.T.E.

As I have stated previously, we now in a situation where the more effective conferences will be smaller, more specialized, more focused, with occasional large gatherings to get the attention of the larger world. Inertia is a powerful force in human and political affairs.
We are at the point where the only way of saving the world is for industrial civilization to collapse. We must, from here on in, all go down the same path... There may not be another chance.

Scene: Al wearing his Nobel Peace Price around his neck and Oscar in hand.

Caption: Al Gore, Green Knight.
Al Gore: An Inconvenient Truth convinced the world of an impending environmental holocaust. Consequently, the rescue of the environment has become the central organizing principle of all societies and modern civilization. This will require not just sacrifice and struggle but a wrenching transformation of society. We are at the dawn of a global civil war between those who refuse to consider the consequences of civilization’s relentless advance and those who refuse to be silent partners in the destruction.

Mr. Rockefeller will give us an update from the Bilderberg Group's meeting in May, and Mr. Obama will give the update from the G-8 meeting in July and plans for the upcoming G-8 meeting in December.

David Rockefeller: We have set the global transformation in motion. We have sold climate change as major crisis and the nations are now ready to accept the New World Order. This present window of opportunity, during which a truly peaceful and interdependent world order might be built, will not be open for long. Already there are powerful forces at work that threaten to destroy all of our hopes and efforts to erect an enduring structure of global interdependence. The Bilderberg Group is pleased to see the pieces beginning to fall in place as climate change reductions by 80% of current levels was accepted by the G-8 as the 2050 target. This will coincide with the 80% decrease in world population we're targeting through abortive and sterilization methods that will be employed until the New World Order central government can begin to enforce global population control laws. Oil prices will begin to rise in mid-2010 and global hyper-inflation will begin. Carpe' Diem! Carpe Orbis!

Barrack Obama: Thank you, Mr. Rockefeller. I, Barrack Obama, Citizen of the World, am proud to provide the update on the G-8 progress. As Mr. Rockefeller said, all eight, including India and China, agreed to the 80% reduction of carbon emissions by 2050. My progress on dismantling the world's only superpower is proceeding as rapidly as possible. The United States Congress will pass the Cap and Trade bill this year and I will sign it, which will strike a crippling blow to industry and capitalistic growth, whose ripple effects will be felt throughout the globe. Universal Health-care legislation will be passed in the fall, as the currently sovereign nation's federal government seizes control of over 20% of the economy, citizens become accustomed to greater reliance on the government and every citizen is covered for sterilizations and abortions, engineering an birth rate on par with or less than other parts of the world. Stimulus over-spending continues, and tax increases will soon seize more money out of the hands of capitalists. The national press is staying in lock-step to minimize unrest and silencing dissension. Small pockets of opposition will be divided and conquered. Our military might will continue to wither on the vine, and in order to achieve the national security objectives, we will create a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded as our military used to be. I have successfully established the precedent of side-stepping Congressional approval of treaties, and am prepared to sign the agreement at the December meeting of G-8 that will bind the United States to debilitating near-term reductions in carbon emissions, and the suicide pact of nations will soon give way to the New World Order of Global Government.

(Clapping.)

Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. This concludes this meeting of the G.R.E.E.N. E.L.I.T.E., the Global Radical Environmental Extremist Network, Eliminating Live Inhabitants Threatening Earth.

Episode I, Scene Two: Ask Not...

Scene: Energy Czar Carol Browner and the Emperor, in the doorway entering the Cabinet Room for the UNEP teleconference.

Caption: Carol Browner, Energy Czar

Browner:
Mr. President, Before we dial in, can I ask you about our working environment? You keep adding more and more czars and we’re completely out of office space. Frankly, we’re crammed in like czardines, sir.

Emperor:
Special Master Browner, I appreciate your predicament but we’re still working on the White House expansion project and with all the historic places red tape, and all the green upgrades, we’re a long way from “Shovel Ready”.

Browner:
But sir, there’s so much overlap with czar duties, isn’t this many czars environmentally unfriendly?

Emperor: (multiple panels of him, zooming in closer with each panel)…

(Points at her, silently turns away. Turns around and comes back…)

Special Master Browner, don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

I’m going to put you on notice, there’s no such thing as too many czars. I need somewhere to place appointees who would be unable to muster Congressional approval.

Ask not how your government can grow you, ask how you can grow your government.

Note: Screenplays posted until cartoons produced

I’m having a hard time finding the time for cartoon production so I’m going to post the screenplays for them and add or replace the descriptions with the cartoons themselves when I get them cranked out. This will keep the writing flowing instead of just building up in my sketchbook.

Episode I, Scene 1 Anthrax Border Concerns

(click to view full size images)

Episode One, Scene One: Anthrax Border Concerns

Setting: The White House Briefing Room. The Emperor is addressing his czars.

(Emperor illuminated in light addressing the czars seated in the White House Briefing Room)

Emperor: Welcome, my brilliant czars and wise czarinas.

Emperor: I’ve gathered you here this evening to seek your counsel regarding a number of issues, so let’s get started. What do you have for me, Special Master Blair?

Caption: Dennis C. Blair, Intelligence Czar.
Blair: Yes Mr. President, Intelligence sources indicate that Al-Qaeda is formulating plans to smuggle suitcases of anthrax across the Mexican Border to carry out terroist attacks on multiple high population density targets. We believe…

Emperor: That’s all, Admiral. I’d like to hear from my other czars on this, Special Master Brennan?

Caption: John Brennan, Homeland Security Czar.
Brennan: Our southern border is clearly a serious vulnerability, sir.

Emperor: Alan, will Al-Qaeda mules be able to get through?

Caption: Alan Bersin, Border Czar.
Bersin: Mr. President, they run through our borders like Mexican water thorugh a tourist.

Emperor: Can we ramp up detection? More scanners? More dogs?

Caption: Gil Kerlikowski, Drug Czar.
Gil: I do not know the answer to that, sir. I will find out if we have any anthrax-sniffing K-9 capabilities.

Emeperor: I’m assuming a suitcase full would do a lot of damage?

Caption: Gary Samore, WMD Czar.
Samore: Yes, that amount of anthrax would be a Weapon of Mass Destruction on any urban or rural area.

Caption: Aldofo Carrion, Jr., Urban Affairs Czar.
Carrion: Rural? I thought this was only an urban threat? Do you even have a Rural Czar, sir?

Emperor: What, do you mean like if they attack Iowa and Nebraska? Let me put it to you this way, Jimmy Crack Corn…

Caption: Caroline Fredrickson, Judicial Activism Czar.
Fredrickson: What is the likelihood that any Safe Haven Cities will be targeted?

Caption: Paul Samuels, Criminal Advocacy Czar.
Samuels: Will they be suicide bombers or are they likely to survive?

Caption: Nancy Ann DeParle, Health Czar.
DeParle: That’s a good question. I know they would be covered by national health care.
Caption: Eddie Solento, Amnesty Czar.
Solento: If they survive they should be eligible for…Immediate amnesty!!!

Caption: Michael Moore, Propaganda Films Czar.
Moore: There is no terrorist threat!

Moore: There is no terrorist threat!

Emperor: OK,czars and czarinas after carefully considering your counsel, I have decided our course of inaction will be to wait and see. We will Hope for Change. Let’s revisit the topic in six months. Next topic, North Korea, threatening a nuclear missile attack on the Hawaiian Islands, my own birth state. Back to you Dennis and John.

Caption: Dennis Blair, Intelligence Czar.

Blair: Secretary Clinton is recommending a furrowed brow and finger wag response. I believe..

Emperor: That’s enough, Admiral, John what do you think?

Caption: John Brennan, Homeland Security Czar

Brennan: We have increased missile defense capabilities in the region.

Emperor: Ok, that’s a wrap. Thanks for your time. If you’re an e-czar, our teleconference with the UNEP starts in five minutes over in the Cabinet Room.

Blair: Should I join you, Mr. President? I can provide the latest intel on China and India’s energy and …

Emperor (raising hand to cut off): No, Admiral, that won’t be necessary for this meeting. Just the E-czars, Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid.

THE CZAR WARS, EPISODE I, Opening Crawl

THE CZAR WARS
EPISODE I: A CHARMING MENACE

Episode I, Turmoil has engulfed the Global Economy. The Recession deepens as wreckless stimulus spending and bail-outs continue to apply downward pressure on economies across the globe. Climate change and the planet's inhabitants' ability to effect or control the global temperature is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with the silencing of sound scientific discussion, the G-8 has stopped all debate and unanimously agreed to pursue green house gas reduction.
While the congress of the Republic passes liberal activist legislation at a dizzying pace, government deficit spending spirals out of control, the public sector expansion marches on and the free market system teeters on the brink of destruction. This alarming chain of events has emboldened the Supreme Emperor who has secretly assembled an unknown number of czars in an attempt to send the country into the global misery they call "social justice". The turmoil has divided the czars across ideological lines ushering in the era of "THE CZAR WARS"....

(click image to view full size)