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The rest of the conversation was undistinguishable and the low quality audio recording was seized and destroyed and what is found here was only transcribed short-hand by the confidential source.
The Czar Wars, Episode I, Scene 9
WORLD EXCLUSIVE: BEER SUMMIT DIALOGUE REVEALED.
White House Aide: Your Bud Light, Mr. President. Your Blue Moon, Dr. gates. Your Samuel Adams Light, Mr. crowley, and …
Emperor: That’s non-alcholic, right?
White House Aide: …your Buckler, Mr. Vice President. Yes, Mr. President, non-alcoholic.
Emperor: That’s good. I don’t need the Gaffe Czar drinking any truth serum; his verbal judgment is already impaired.
Biden: Lighten up, Barry. Just for that, I’m taking all the pretzels and nuts.
Emperor: Oh, no you’re not!
gates: sgt. crowley, I’m drinking a Blue Moon because you’ve got a better chance of seeing my blue moon then getting an apology out of me.
crowley: Dr. gates, I’m drinking a Samuel Adams from Boston, because he once said “Among the natural rights of the colonists are these: First a right to life, secondly to liberty, and thirdly to property; together with the right to defend them in the best manner they can.” Dr. gates, I was defending your property in the best manner I could.
Emperor: Welcome to the White House, gentlemen, I think we can agree to disagree on the past and take the lessons learned into the future. I apologize for dragging Joe into this but Rahm and David thought it would balance the photo op composition at the table. I’ve asked him to pretty much keep his mouth shut and let you two do most of the talking. The fashion czar also known as the first lady suggested the white-shirts-with-our-sleeves-rolled-up, regulars-guys-at-happy-hour look.
gates: Well, I apologize, Mr. President, if I’m out of line speaking freely in front of sgt. crowley and Joe, but I feel I need to tell you as soon as possible…I’m turning down your offer to serve as your Racism Czar. You see ever since you offered me the job, my phone has been ringing off the hook. It’s been “Dr. gates, Al Sharpton on line one wants to speak to you,” and “Dr. gates, Jesse Jackson on line three needs a minute of your time”, and “Dr. gates, Attorney General Holder wants a sit down with you about “the nation of cowards” and now Maxine Waters is screaming in my ear “Tell him he better fire the Chief of Staff, that Rahmulus has Reamed Us!” I don’t want to deal with all of that, and besides until H.J. 5 gets some traction and repeals the 22nd Amendment, the Racism Czar doesn’t offer the tenure track like my job at Harvard. I’m going back to just being a professor, Mr. President.”
Emperor: “No apology necessary, old friend. Any one of those folks would be happy to take the job if you don’t want it.”
Biden: “you got that right.”
Crowley: “biden, put some more nuts in your mouth before I do it for you.
Emperor: “dr. gates, we’re in the rose garden, let’s keep it civil. Sgt. crowley, while I’ve got you here, I’d like to clarify a statement that was covered up by my media but still slipped out on to youtube. I really need the popularity pendulum to start swinging the other way before I can take it to the people but I wasn’t suggesting a federal secret police force when I spoke in Colorado springs.
Crowley: you mean when you said “We cannot continue to rely on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set. We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded”?
Emperor: yes, I guess you’re familiar with it.
Crowley: we’ve already got the fbi, but it’s not built to be as powerful as the military.
Emperor: perhaps my words in that case were misunderstood. What I’d like to see is: the Peace Corps' budget doubled by 2011, a major increase in funding to AmeriCorps, USA Freedom Corps, VISTA, YouthBuild Program, and the Senior Corps. Beyond that, I’d like to see the creation of a Classroom Corps, Health Corps, Clean Energy Corps, Veterans Corps, Homeland Security Corps, Global Energy Corps, and a Green Jobs Corps.
Crowley; sounds like a lot of spending and a lot of redundancy.
Emperor: I've got to give the people what I want.
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